Regrets over Exes

I’ve been trying to keep a positive spirit in the previous posts as I want to show how medication is helping me and all that but the truth is that there are obviously going to be some very low days and today is one of them.

Everyone knows that in the first couple of weeks of starting medication for mental health, you will be more prone to depressive episodes and suicidal attempts as you need time for the medication to start working. You’re not told, however, what triggers the sudden drop in mood so you have to work it out for yourself.

One of my major triggers just happens to be my ex. For his anonymity I will call him {X}.

To give a vague picture of the relationship, we were together for about 3 months which doesn’t seem long but it was the most serious I’d felt about someone. We broke up towards the end of August this year whilst we were both on separate holidays. The break up was confusing as I was accused of something I hadn’t done and instead of talking it out like we’d usually do, he gave me no choice and just told me it was over and we’d never get another chance. Just before school started back again, he started messaging me saying that he wanted me back and after many heartbroken phone calls over the course of a week, we started talking properly again. Until the end of September we were acting as if we were basically a couple again but then I got told I could no longer see him in school as I was now a Sixth Former and it was ‘inappropriate’. I understood though because it did look a bit strange. A couple of weeks before the end of September I made friends with this guy who later became my Best Friend and the guy I was in a thing with for 2 months. I thought something may happen with this guy so I started avoiding {X} and investing all my time into this new guy which now I’ve learned was a horrible mistake to make. So then our relationship just sort of fizzled out and I never really saw him around school until recently. Now I have heard he is with someone new.

Here we are in the present. He has moved on. I am left still in love with him. The thing I had with the other guy has ended because he couldn’t leave his girlfriend. I am left in a constant nothingness and this only hit me a couple of hours ago.

I now see {X} all over school and I feel such large amounts of pain whenever I see him because every part of my body misses him. I’m constantly reading over our old messages and thinking about all the times I could have said or done something differently. I was so careless thinking that this new guy could be a potential relationship, I shoved {X}’s feelings out the window and made excuses not to see him. Now all I can think about is why did I ruin something so perfect. I did warn him that I was going to hurt him. My head was all over the place and I made him promise that even if I did hurt him, he’d understand that it wasn’t me, it was my mental health and he said he understood and nothing I did would change his feelings. I’m sorry being with me wasn’t easy enough for you I thought you knew what you were getting into.

Please don’t ever think of me as a mistake, you were my whole world you still are. No matter who I use to take my mind off of you, It has always been you, it is always you.

If I knew we were going to end up like this, I wouldn’t have given you everything. I wouldn’t have loved you.

I haven’t spoken so openly about how hurt I am about this relationship before. I’ve shown it physically through many photography pieces displaying burnt photographs of me and {X} but I’ve never put my feelings into words before and I hope in some way it will help me.

How come you did stuff that I forgave you for each time, but you never could forgive me?

God damn your voice is in my head.

Your perfect voice.

No one else could stand your voice. I could.

No matter how angry I was at you, you could always bring a smile onto my face.

I know I should have been more faithful. I don’t know what is wrong with me. You knew I had a problem with saying no. You know I couldn’t physically say it.

I remember distinctly the day of the GCSE results. I hadn’t done my best but I passed enough to get into Sixth Form not that you wished me well. We were over by then – you refusing to sort things out until we were both home. I celebrated alone with my dad that night, he gave me a glass of champagne then I excused myself upstairs and told him I wanted to get my work done. He didn’t see through my lies, or my pockets where two mini bottles of whiskey sat. You always made fun of me for being such a lightweight but at least it means that I can quickly forget your name. Not that I did that night. I forgot my own name, but never yours. All I got from that night was falling asleep feeling like I was on a fast teacup ride and waking up early that morning with a raging hangover. It wasn’t worth it.

I haven’t fixed myself properly from the breakup. I was so happy with you. You made me happy. I don’t know if I made you happy and that scares me because your happiness was all I ever thought about.

Our relationship as a whole was strange. One minute we’d be threatening to kill each other and the next minute we’d be in eachother’s arms again. I miss that. I miss the safety.

I haven’t seen you smile in so long, you look so sad these days around school. I miss your smile.

I miss our spot at the top of West Block, outside the boiler room, and our other spot under the stairs in Ashcroft.

I’ve never gone through such a long period of constant heartbreak songs. Every song screams your name. Everything screams your name. It’s in the face of all your friends. God damn it’s in the face of the whole of year 10. It is in anything at all to do with blue eyes –  that’s probably why the next guy I was with had startling blue eyes and that is what attracted me. It is in anything to do with brightly coloured and patterned t-shirts that you wouldn’t see anyone else wearing. It is just you. It is all about you.

I don’t know if it is the medication that is causing my emotions about you to be heightened. Actually I know it is the medication. But nothing defers from the fact that the feelings would still be there, medication or not.

God I am sorry I messed everything up.

I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.

I shouldn’t be so hung up on this.

“It isn’t healthy” People say often to me.

“What part of me is healthy?” I respond nonchalantly. 

They remain silent.

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this post as you don’t check up on me anymore but if you do just know I’m sorry and it was never meant to end this way.

I’m sorry that I’m exactly the person I warned you I was.

Sorry for the lovely, long, sad post there but I just had to get everything out about him before I go insane.

Anyway, I’m going to start recording my weight in these posts as well to show if I’m affected by the side effect of weight gain as I’ve heard it is quite common and severe.

Yeah so this is me signing off.

-Charlotte-

122lbs

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