I haven’t updated all week so I’m sorry for that.
I’ve been having such a horrible week so far and it doesn’t look like it is going to get better any time soon. I’ve done loads of indescribably awful things to myself and I have a red raw throat from smoking constantly the past three days and consequently, my voice keeps going. I very nearly considered drinking grapefruit juice.
I really hope the medication starts working soon so I can see a difference because all I am experiencing at the moment is deep sadness and hatred and heightened emotions.
I’m so angry all the time and I hate it. I’ve been snapping at everyone, insulting them, hurting them. You wouldn’t understand it until you have someone close to you that is only wanting to help you and all you do is hurt them constantly and push them away. I keep saying things that I don’t mean and I can’t stay in a room for more than half an hour without feeling an episode of anger creeping up on me so I have to take a walk around the school for fresh air and to calm myself down so I don’t scream insults at anyone.
I keep hurting my little sister when all I want is to be close with her again. I hate hurting her. I yelled at her the other day that she is blind to the real world and that God isn’t real and he was never there. This is contradictory to a few years ago when all I was doing was finding ways to prove he is real and now I’m finding every piece of evidence against it.
At the moment in Photography we are destroying photos we have taken so that is quite anger relieving however I have no photos of the people that are making me mad so it is not as effective. It’s still fun being able to set fire to them in school though. THE PHOTOS, NOT THE PEOPLE MAKING ME MAD.
My main goal at the moment around school is to avoid any Year 11s if possible as there is apparently one out for my blood so that is not good for stress and anxiety levels. Especially when I haven’t even done anything and I’ve never even heard of the girl that is out to get me so that is just perfect.
Also, I think I’m just a magnet for boys who can’t take no for an answer or just don’t listen when I do say it. I am not getting into details because I hate talking about it but yet again there is another one who doesn’t listen when I tell him not to do something, even when I’m nearly in tears. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I can’t even bring myself to leave him.
My best friend can’t see how perfect she is and that saddens me every day. Even her boyfriend tries to get her to see it and she just can’t. I see her hurting and I don’t know why I have only just started checking up on her and asking if she is okay when I know she is sad. Don’t be sad, Chris and I love you.
This is an annoying post because it is not really based on anything because I’m just too tired and uninterested in everything to focus. I’m sorry if you want to stop reading my posts because of my lack of regular posting these days and my sadder posts. I want to post cheerful posts about how quickly recovery is going and how happy I am but I would just be feeding you lies.
I’m sorry if I’m inactive at the moment.
This is me signing off.