I don’t really know how to talk about this without giving too much away about the person and causing me the least hurt.
I talk about Sexual Assault quite a bit mainly in a vague way as I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to talk about it as it is ongoing.
I’m not good with words to describe sexual activity as since being objectified so many times, it now disgusts me to even think about any word or phrase that could be sexual. Bear with me, I will find writing stuff like this very awkward.
The way I write this will be a bit different from how I usually write.
Tuesday night, tired eyes, slow goodbyes.
The park round the corner, dusk had arrived hours ago.
My legs around your waist, your arms wrapped around me.
Head leaning on your shoulder, I preserved heat.
Kissing my cheek, I looked into your eyes.
SNAP SNAP CLICK CLICK BANG BANG
You changed, wild eyes, dark night.
Hand creeping up my back, feelings of being unclasped.
I yelled, “Do it back up”
You laughed, my eyes ablaze with anger, yours humour.
Hands reaching round the front, fierce.
“Not as big as I thought” you chuckled darkly.
I never did understand your humour.
I yelled at you STOP NO PLEASE
Whereas you were whispering “you’re such a tease”
Crying, I told you that I hated people touching me.
Instead of stopping, you just questioned me.
You finally stopped the cycle of groping. Reclasped.
“You’re so fun to wind up” you said.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have such a bad reputation”
“Come on, you know you didn’t mind”
“It’ll make you feel better”
“You know you love me”
“This is what boys and girls who are friends do”
“You didn’t care when your boyfriend did it”
No one ever listens.
It’s not that I can’t or don’t say no.
It’s that no one listens when I do.
Recently I have been wondering whether this kind of behaviour counts as Sexual Assault because I overthought it and thought I was just overreacting but no, it does count as Sexual Assault.
What is sexual assault?
Sexual assault is a crime of power and control. The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include:
- Penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape
- Attempted rape
- Forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, such as oral sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body
- Fondling or unwanted sexual touching
-taken from RAINN
The amount of people that this happens to and who don’t think it counts as anything because it is not taken as seriously as rape. Plus with the lack of evidence that proves that you didn’t want it to happen. Most boys are never ones to take this seriously as it is just ‘harmless fun’.
If I look uncomfortable take your hand off my upper thigh. I never said I wanted it there anyway. If I’m crying and saying ‘No’ and ‘Stop’ maybe it’s about time to take your hand out from under my top and get the hell away from me.
Just because you have heard rumours about ‘what I am like’ it doesn’t mean you go and try for yourself to see if the rumours are true.
Sexual assault is an act that is carried out without the victim’s active consent. This means they didn’t agree to it.
-taken from NHS
“Well you’ve let other people do it so that gives me consent to do it too”
no. No. NO.
There was never any consent from me to be touched in any way. I told you I hated being touched, that it disgusted me, made my skin crawl. I cried to you that it scared me because so many people do it without consent from me and I hate it. I yelled at you about how disgustingly dirty it made you feel. You still didn’t care. THERE WAS NO CONSENT.
CONSENT SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU FEEL DIRTY
CONSENT SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU FEEL DISGUSTING
CONSENT SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU FEEL WORTHLESS
If my consent was given then I would not be feeling any of these things.
I wouldn’t be feeling scared to be alone with you or any other guy just incase they can’t control themselves.
I wouldn’t be feeling so scared to walk past a stranger on the streets in the evening.
I wouldn’t and I shouldn’t be feeling this disgusted with any sexual act that in a normal consenting relationship, is pretty natural.
It is not right.
It looks like all of this is directed at one person but it’s not. It is a compilation of events that happened with over six guys, all with the same actions, just because they heard about my so called ‘reputation’ and assumed they didn’t need my consent to do anything. Some of them may even read this. For the anonymity of those guys, this is why it is a mixed account of all of them so it is not a direct attack at any specific one.
I now have only one male friend who I’ve been friends with for over 2 months and hasn’t tried anything. He lives in Australia and is dating my best friend and right now he is the only male I trust due to the fact that I know he wouldn’t do anything. That is the length I have to go to to have a male friend who will only be my friend and nothing else.
I don’t understand why this is happening.
I don’t know how to end this to be honest, it went on for much longer than I thought and just thinking and writing about it put me in a horrendous mood.
This is me signing off.