Breakdown

Many of you may have already heard that I’m in hospital at the moment and yes, it’s true. 

I took an overdose at around half 7 last night in Banstead park. There was something strong inside me that just didn’t want to live anymore and I had been planning it for a few days prior the incident. Luckily for me, one of my closest friends was in Banstead at the time when I texted her saying ‘goodbye’ and she came running to where I was and called an ambulance.

Before going to hospital I was forced to drink charcoal which is the most disgusting thing I have ever had to swallow. It’s not even the taste that’s bad, it doesn’t have a taste. It’s the texture, the feel of dirt and grit at the back of your throat when it gets stuck there, the oily black colour of it that stains your mouth, lips and tongue. I was meant to drink the whole bottle but could hardly get halfway as it made me feel so sick but I needed to drink it to stop the mass amount of pills from working.

I passed out multiple times in the ambulance from feeling so sick but eventually we got there and by ‘we’ I mean Lucy and I. They lifted me onto the hospital bed and I suddenly felt extremely nauseous and I thought I was going to throw up but thank the Lord I didn’t- that would have been embarrassing in front of the dashing paramedic. 

I lay there as they wired me up to all sorts of equipment, took my blood pressure (now in the present they have taken it approximately 12 times now). 

I refused to see my family and I still am. I don’t know why I don’t want to see them but I just feel like I can’t.

Lucy stayed with me for hours until my parents took her home (I think???) I fell asleep when she was there and I woke up and she was gone. I got woken up multiple times in the night due to the nurses wanting to take my blood pressure again and again. Around 1am I was wheeled out of the ward I was in and taken into a children’s ward where I slept that night. It took me a while to get to sleep because there was a child around 4 years old crying loudly and I couldn’t sleep. 

I finally woke up around 11am where I’ve just been sitting around watching American Horror Story on my iPad after paying a ghastly amount of money for wifi in this hospital. I am yet to eat anything as I am not hungry. I’ve just been seen by a counsellor from CAMHS who did a risk assessment on me and how she is speaking to my parents whom I’ve just had to hide from.

The doctor is going to discharge me so I will be home shortly thankfully as I cannot stand one more night of monitors beeping and beds squeaking. 

I have some needle in my arm that will need to be removed before I leave, I’ve had it in since yesterday night and it’s majorly uncomfortable.

I regret overdosing as it was not worth the pain of my friends and family nor was it worth charcoal in my throat and passing out. 

Now I’m ready to fight more than ever. 

It’s gotta get bad before it gets good.

I will regain the sparkle!
This is me signing off.
-Charlotte-

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